qualities that make me beautiful

I am passionate

I dont know what else im too upset still

So, you're probably confused. I started this post over a year ago and haven't written on this blog in general in a pretty long time. One thing I am incessantly guilty of is wallowing in my pain when I'm hurt instead of finding reasons to be happy. I have been working on that, but it is understandably difficult. Today I stumbled across this unfinished draft and it made me so proud of how far I have come. Earlier today, I was feeling down. I felt unworthy of love and as if I was constantly just a backup plan for the people in my life. I have really been struggling with that lately. In order to combat these feelings, I tried using an anxiety relieving feature on an app I have. At first, it asked my why I was upset and I took that prompt and ran with it. Things I didn't even know I was sad about flowed from within me and onto my screen. By the time I was done writing, I was more upset than when I started. This is typical for me. I tend to expand my sadness and almost, well, pity myself when I am feeling down and think of more ways to victimize myself. (Not my best quality, I know.) I think that is because part of me thinks I deserve it. Anyways, the app then prompted me to acknowledge why I will be okay and what good things could out of my situation. I reluctantly brainstormed some ideas. Then I was asked, "Why are you awesome?" I paused. This one threw me off a bit. For a second, I wanted to close the app. I didn't feel like praising myself. After a second of considering turning off my phone and trying again another time, I started typing. And once I started, it was hard to stop.

You have your flaws, of course. But you seem to only focus on them. You have a hard time remembering that you have so many beautiful qualities that make you, you. You are so caring. You love deeply and unapologetically. You want to please people and you never want to let anyone down. Hurting people hurts you. You want to help people who are hurting. You have such a bright future. You have so many amazing goals you want to accomplish. You will be a great mother. You are quick to admit your wrongdoings. You are giving. You love to make people smile. You are a light. You are always striving to be better. You reflect often. You try not to make the same mistakes. You are hardworking. You are creative. You make beautiful art- both with pencils and with your voice. You don’t always get enough recognition. You are a good friend. You are a good daughter. You are a good sister. You are a good girlfriend. You try your best to do what’s right. You aren’t perfect, but focusing on your imperfections will do you no good. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and there are so many reasons why you are special.

It may have taken a little over a year to acknowledge more than one positive characteristic of myself while upset and insecure, but nonetheless, I am so proud of myself. I stumbled across this post by complete accident and it is such a coincidence that I ended up doing the exact same exercise tonight- but this time actually succeeding at it.